Saturday, October 08, 2005

Mein Kampf

My struggle. I confess.

To all who read this: I am guilty. I am a sinner. I am less than what I say that I am, less than I desire to be, less than the goal that I feel like I must fill. I beg for you forgiveness for the following...

I am not a representative of Christ. I am a hypocritical man. I have some serious pride issues. I often feel superior to my friends and fellow leaders, to my family, to everyone around me. I usually have the mindset that I know what is best, and if you dissagree, then "I'll let you be, and hope that you learn and grow through your experience." I judge you. I look at you can compare you to who I think I should be. Honestly, if I were to compare you to myself I would find us both on an equall level in the same crap hole, but I often don't let myself consider that. I am over confident in myself- cocky if you will. I know that I scare people off, and away from Christ, because I do not portray him, even though I often believe I am doing so in the midst of it.
Many times I do not care about what people tell me. I ask how they are- even go into detail, but in reality- my thoughts are "who cares?" I don't care about thier situation. I don't care if you are having problems with a boy, or with your job, or you are suffering with a class. I do act as though I do, because I believe that is what Jesus would do, but honestly I often do not truly have compassion. I regularly tell people what I think they should do though- try to fix them. I like fixing people- I am the king of opinionated advice giving. Am I right? Who cares. I don't ever think I am really wrong.
I usually lead people in such a way that requires much grace from them. I shove my ideas and attitudes on them, scare them even from thier own potential. They believe, and rightfully so, that I am judging them for who they are based on what they are doing in comparrison to me. I make comments- trying to be helpful and give guidance- that most likely crush thier spirit, without giving thought to how they are feeling or what they are thinking. I do not want to be like this. I offer up "new ideas and suggestions that might make them more successful" when really I have no better of an understanding of anything than they. I judge them on what they do, not even thinking about where they are coming from. I am based soley on the outcome, forgetting the means- I dont' care how anyone feels during, only after the fact. I don't care that people are uncomfortable, or unstable, but arent' they going to be joyful or proud of what they were apart of afterwards? I am pushy. I "pick up the leadership role and shove on" making "leadership decisions" and such, mean while turning folks off left and right. I have no sensitivity to anyone's perceptions, and if I get a hint of dissatisfaction, I immediately blame it on thier own shortcomings, rather than myself, because I cannot be wrong. Forgive me.
I make comments and share ideas, often I overstep my bounds, doing such that it forces people to sit down rather than inspire them to stand on thier feet and yell. I am overbearing; I am a control freak.
I am prejudiced- when I get an idea of a person in my head, I let it stay there. I see people as projects and not persons.
I am legalistic.
I cause pain to people- I base my confidence soley in truth, even when it hurts. I do not know how to be gentle or compassionate, empathetic. I often think to myself "ok, move on, cowboy up!" rather than exploring or being with someone- going to them and just being with them there.
I argue, I am stubborn as all get-out. I am so strong in my views, that no one else can be right- "they will all learn." I am fundamentally headstrong.

In reality, I am nothing. I am weak, and poor. I fall short everyday, and overlook it. I sit here in this chair, begging for your forgiveness. My heart is torn. I am imperfect. I am insecure, unconfident. I beg you- please give me grace, even though I have held back grace from you. I am so sorry. I hate these things about myself. I do not want to be this. My deepest fears are true. Lord, forgive me- I am unworthy of life, of the very breath I breath. Depart from me, for I am a sinner. I am not good enough to be in your presence. God, I am sorry. Heal the wounds that I have caused. Open my eyes and my heart to really and truly feel and know and see the pain I cause- the motive behind my actions. I am desperate Lord- I cry out to you! Forgive me!!! I cannot stand on my own. I am a wretch. I am naive. I am so immature. I do not understand you, anyone else, or myself. God, break me of my pride. Break me of my stubborness, my lack of compassion. Let me see the grief of others, the point of views, the situations, and let me be not afraid of going there. Give me grace Lord, and please let me impart it in a likewise manner. Create in me a sensitivity, that I might empathize with pain, that I might recognize hurt and sorrow. That I might cry out in utter desperation for my brothers and sisters, for my own shortcomings. I long for you Lord. Transform me, my heart. Break me Lord. Be with me and encourage my heart. Teach me your ways, guid my steps. Purify my motives, speak truth to the lies I believe. Confront me and convict me. Love me and hold me. Protect me, be proud of me. I want to be a light for you, a true reflection of you, that draws people to you, rather than scares them away. Let me be a righteous and real ambassador.

This is my confession. Forgive me. Please.

1 Comments:

Blogger Amber said...

So, you have a burning desire to do God's will, you try, you do well, and you make mistakes, and you learn from them. Sounds like you're pretty normal to me. We all need grace. All the time. I have a hunch that God has always been pleased with you. I know I have been. ;)

9:46 AM  

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